Three New Year’s Resolutions to Quit Right Now, and Two to Keep!

2016!  Who would have thought this year would come?  Certainly not me in my DIY fringed top and parachute skirt blasting the radio on the way see Motley Crue circa 1985.  Speaking of which, hopefully you got your chance to see the Crue.  They officially called it quits at their final concert on the last day of 2015, and unlike KISS, Motley Crue actually signed a contract that they won’t tour again.  These days I guess everything has to be put in writing.  Don’t worry though, I’m sure you will still be able to buy overpriced shirts and hoodies online, and surely an exclusive DVD of THE LAST MOTLEY CRUE SHOW EVER!!!!!  But I digress.

Actually, writing things down has long been considered an effective way to remember them.  It is suggested that physical writing tricks the mind into thinking the action has already occurred, ultimately making it easier to do, so if you made any New Year’s resolutions, hopefully you wrote them down, maybe on a spare cocktail napkin or the instruction sheet for the new Kylo Ren lightsaber that has been wreaking havoc in your house.

Chances are, you didn’t even bother with New Year’s resolutions. According to the Statistic Brain Research Institute, only 45% of Americans make promises for the upcoming year, and with an 8% success rate, it’s easy to see why people eventually just give up the resolution tradition altogether.  For those of us who did resolve to be better, there were pretty big differences between the types of resolutions parents made versus non-parents.  For example, non-parents listed “Fall in love,” and “Help others with their dreams,” as activities to work on in 2016, while parents included things like, “Lock the kids out of the bathroom while I am in there.”  Oh to dream… 

In my experience, reality usually reduces New Year’s resolutions to wishful thinking, so I took a look at some of the actions parents resolved to change in 2016, according to Parents Magazine, and gave them a reality check.

Let’s start with No Children in the Bathroom.  Yes, this was a popular parental resolution, and I’m sure you understand why.  How many times did you utter (or scream,) “I am in the bathroom!!!  Just wait!”?  Fifty?  A hundred?  A million?  Once a sanctuary of solitude, a closed bathroom door means nothing to a child who lived inside your body for almost a year, and spend the next few years being carried around with your faces side by side.  Your personal space doesn’t exist to your children, and of course that includes the bathroom.  But go ahead.  Try locking the bathroom door, and when they are on the other side crying, screaming, and possibly bleeding and you hear some giant crash, see how uncomfortable it is to waddle over and unlock the door with your underwear around your ankles.

Make One Dinner.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  It’s what your parents did, right?  There was one meal.  You either ate it or you went to bed hungry.  Period.  The end.  No bonus PB&J.  You’re hungry?  Well, you should have eaten dinner.  Sounds perfectly reasonable… Until it’s your kid… and she has boycotted the last 3 meals… and everyone has been telling you how skinny she looks… and there is some kind of virus going around so she needs to be strong… and she has a math test tomorrow!   I give this parental resolution a week before it’s, “Ok, you can have some pasta or mac and cheese instead.”  Of course this is all dependent on dinner being made at all.  What about Tuesdays and Thursdays when Kid One has karate at 4, and Kid Two has after school til 6?  Or Friday when Kid One’s drums start at 3:30, followed by karate at 5 and Kid Two has to be picked up from play rehearsal at 5:45?   Hello 7-11!  We will have the apples and peanut butter, two pizza Lunchables, a corn muffin, and a $5 container of grapes please.  On the plus side, this does create a loophole:   I mean technically YOU didn’t make more than one dinner.  Meals are not as easy as they sound.  Maybe you should just save your one dinner fantasy for your dreams where Chris Hemsworth comes over with a bottle of wine in his Thor outfit.

Be More Domestic.  I have to admit, I have made this resolution on occasion.  I should cook more.  I should clean more.  I should have a clutter free counter with a jasmine candle burning.  This is one of those resolutions that can actually be undone by science.  I was a Psych major, and one of the things we learned a lot about was classical conditioning.  Like if a mouse presses a lever and gets food, he catches on pretty quickly that this magic lever is his key to full belly bliss.  Now you, being more stubborn and evolved than said mouse, will take longer to realize that you cleaned and decluttered and cooked, and your kids came home and threw their backpacks on the floor, tossed their socks under a chair and almost knocked your candle off the counter unloading the contents of the fridge or simply pouring a glass of juice.  Go ahead, explain the steadfast rules about putting things away, socks in the hamper, and waiting for dinner.  Explain these rules every day.  Create consequences for breaking them.  I once boycotted doing my daughter’s laundry until she put it all in the basket, and I am serious when I tell you that 3 months later I finally had to stand next to her barking orders like a drill sergeant as she filled up two laundry baskets.  Yes, I threw half her clothes into the donation box, but still, it’s hit or miss to this day.  I’m not saying don’t go for it, but don’t beat yourself up in a few months when the house is still cluttered, there is a dirty sock under every chair, and you have enough leftovers in the fridge to last you a month.  Just like the mouse, you have learned to expect the same results.  You are just not happy about it since you tried to alter yours.  Rather than getting into screaming matches about wayward footwear, maybe do some deep breathing exercises and hang up one of those plaques that say something like “My House is Not Messy.  My Kids are Making Memories.”

There are so many resolutions that parents will waste their breath (and cocktail napkins) on, but there are two that I think should be worked on until they are lifestyle changes:

Stop Smoking.  It used to be the top New Year’s resolution, but not as many people smoke these days.  If you’re one of them, just stop.  Don’t smoke, don’t vape.  There are a billion reasons why, including you are killing yourself in front of your children, and providing an example for them to kill themselves.  Get a patch, chew gum, sew your mouth shut, spend your weekends with lung cancer patients.  Do what you have to do, just stop smoking.  I know it’s not easy to quit smoking, but no one said any part of parenthood was easy.

Get More Exercise!  Exercise is one of those things where you don’t realize how awesome you feel, and then magically, you do.  It’s like all of a sudden you are not panting on the third flight of stairs when the elevator breaks down.  After a few weeks of some regular cardio, you will be breathing better, sleeping better, and feeling better.  Especially in a world where everyone’s face is buried in a cell phone, exercise moves you into the real world and gets your blood flowing.  And it’s great for family bonding.  Kids love their parents’ attention, especially when they can chase them, and tackle them, and ride on their backs in the pool.  Now I’m not talking about training for the Olympics, but walks around the block, basketball in the park, races to the curb, anything that gets you moving.  Plus, there is an entire industry right now catering to the 5k.  There are obstacle course runs, runs where people throw paint on you, glow in the dark runs, and of course runs for every kind of charity.  And you don’t have to run, you can walk.  You can even walk with a stroller.  I think a great New Year’s resolution would be to pick a run, train for it as a family, and do it.  It is never too soon to teach your kids about the importance of exercise, and it’s never too late for you to learn.

So here’s to a great 2016!  As parents, we look forward to more awesome school plays and dance recitals. There will be more birthday parties at the bounce place we have been to a million times.  More field trips and hockey games, scraped knees and missing socks, and maybe if we are really lucky, we will find time to light a jasmine candle and spend an uninterrupted 15 minutes in the bathroom by ourselves.