Friends: Not The Family You Choose

“Friends are the family you choose for yourself.”  I remember the first time I read that on a poster…or bumper sticker…or t-shirt… Who knows, maybe it was on a gigantic comb in somebody’s back pocket with Ziggy or Snoopy on it.   I thought, “Wow!  That is so true!  My friends are my family!  They are my closest, coolest confidantes, partners in crime, Cosa Nostra!”

That was a long time ago.  Before my children, before my in-laws, before my sister and cousins and friends got married.  Before Mark Zuckerberg’s parents even knew each other!    And I have absolutely reconsidered since then.

In reality, you get to choose very few family members:  your spouse (most of the time.  Plenty of people still don’t get that option,) and in cases of adoption.  That’s it.  Those are your friends who are the family you choose.  The rest of your friends, well, they are your friends, and you get to pick them all. 

I totally understand the spirit of the “friends are family” quote:  You love the friends you choose.  You have special bonds with some friends and are totally connected.  You help each other emotionally and sometimes physically.  You care for their children, their spouses, their parents.  Maybe you would even take a bullet for a friend.  It is an awesome, uplifting feeling to have such great, loving relationships in your life, and you are very lucky, but friends, no matter how close, are friends.  They are not your family. 

I know some people will take issue with my revelation, and I totally understand.  Many times your friends are actually a better support system than the people with whom you share your biology.  I mean when you think about it, your friends WANTED to be there for you.  These one-time strangers put the effort into having a relationship with you because you are/were important to them.  Your brother, on the other hand, tried to irritate you in every way possible, and you STILL had to help him with his homework and sit next to him in a cramped backseat on a pilgrimage of hundreds of miles to see the Corn Palace and Wall Drugs.

The idea that your friends are your family seems to peak during a few occasions in life:  First when you are a teenager through about college.  That is probably the worst.  You are rebelling as best you can, and your family takes the brunt of it.  As you assert your newfound defiance of authority, your parents, the people who have stayed up nights walking with you swaddled in their arms, and dedicated their lives to saving yours, are the first people to get insulted, argued with, and lied to, that is if you are speaking to them at all.  Your friends, kids you just met yesterday in school, are treated like gods.  Their words are taken as gospel.  After all, these people REALLY understand you.  I remember once when I was about 15.  My dad pulled me aside and said, “Listen Kid.  You better rethink your priorities.  Your family is the most important thing.  We will be here for you long after all these amazing friends of yours are nowhere to be found.  You need to think about who you are treating like crap and who will always be there for you.”  I knew he was right even then, and I probably stopped being such a bitch for at least a week.

Another time your friends seem to get elevated status is when you become a mom.  Even though things have been good with your parents for a while, for some reason it’s so much easier to relate to other new moms.  You are in this baby battle together, and your mom can’t possibly navigate the world of baby 30 years after she last had one.  Kind of like soldiers in battle, new mom friends gain an intimate status.  Actually, that’s another time when friends are probably like family: in the military.  I’ve never been in that situation, but intense events push people together, especially when their lives depend on it.

But close as they may be, your friends are not your family.  Your family is all of your ancestors, the people who descended from them, and the children you made, along with anyone you married or adopted.  There are a billion configurations of the modern family, but generally, your family are people linked to you by your past and the choices that your genetic predecessors made, not you.  Do you have to like them?  No.  You should try because family harmony is a beautiful thing, but why would you like a guy who is constantly complaining about foot fungus and doesn’t seem to know what deodorant is?  People don’t want to sit next to him on the bus, but he is your grandmother’s cousin’s son, so you should at least try to be cordial to him at weddings and funerals.  He is your family.  And that loud gin smelling woman who always tells you to get an eyebrow wax, she is your husband’s mother’s aunt.  You don’t have to have a spa day with her, but she is your family.  Even your husband’s cousin’s wife’s adopted Ugandan baby:  family.  That’s just the way it goes.  You don’t have to like everyone, just like every apple on the tree is not that tasty, but they all share the same roots.  Period.

“Friends understand your past, believe in your future, and accept you today just the way you are.”  A cool quote that I completely believe, and if you are really fortunate, your family can be your friends, too.  There is even a special section for that on facebook.

Dear Parents of My Daughter's Friends

Dear Parents of My Daughter’s Friends,

Please let your daughter sleep over at my house.

She may be eleven, but much like 45 is the new 35, 11 is the new 13. And I’m not jumping the gun, either. Our kids are plugged into their worlds like we never could have imagined. While I spent my tenth year on Earth perfecting my backwards roller skating abilities, our kids are building virtual villages, creating commerce and figuring out how to house and feed their creatures. Don’t get me wrong, all tablets are confiscated after a predetermined time period, but there is a lot of complex problem solving going on in virtual reality. In short, our kids are still kids, but they are smarter than we think.

I get it. You don’t know me, hence you don’t trust me, so let’s meet. We don’t have to be best friends who get our nails done together every Friday. We just have to be on the same page with child safety and acceptable behavior. Who knows, though. You might really like me. I have lots of interesting stories and I love finding new, fun things to do with the kids, not to mention I make killer white chocolate chip cookies.

I get it. I’m a mom, too. When the nurse held my little girl to my face for the first time all swaddled in a pink, blue, and yellow striped blanket, my life changed forever. I knew right then that I would dedicate my life to protecting hers. My heart exploded with love that I had never known, and it has gotten bigger with each of her tiny finger clutches, first words, and first everything!

The first day I dropped my amazing child off at preschool, I sat in my car and cried for the entire three hours she was in there. As she learned to socialize and sing the “Clean Up” song, I stared at her empty car seat and called my husband sobbing. I ran into the cute little picketed fence cottage at exactly noon, and I was still crying when I scooped my most precious jewel into my arms and hugged her so tightly I squished the first finger painting she ever made.

So, let’s go to the library, or better yet, come over for coffee, or water with lemon, or a chai latte. In all honestly, I don’t think my parents ever set foot in my friends’ houses except to pick me up from the slumber party. But I get it. It’s a different world, or at least we are more aware of it with so much information at our fingertips. My mom thinks I am a helicopter parent because I see my daughter’s grades online everyday. I tell her to focus on grand-parenting and join Instagram if she wants to know what her granddaughter is doing, but the truth is, we are far more aware of our children's lives than our parents were, so please, for our daughters, let’s know each other to the point where we feel comfortable supervising each other's children.

I don't know about you, but I still remember being tucked into my sleeping bag under Carol Rodney’s dining room table giggling like a fiend with five other girls from our sixth grade class about some joke that wasn't even remotely funny in the morning. And guess what? I'm still friends with at least three girls from that party! Sleeping over with friends helped me develop my social skills, brush up on my manners, and get a glimpse into the non-school lives of my friends. It made my friendships stronger. It made me more independent. It was a rite of passage which I cherish to this day and want my daughter to experience. I'm sure it even made me appreciate my home life to some degree. I mean some of my friends had to do their own laundry! Thanks Mom.

In school, our kids have formed a very cool friendship, and in this school, they will be classmates for many more years. It's an exciting time of life for them, and it is important for them to have good friendships. I know it's sad to think about, but our daughters won't always want to confide in us, at least not at first. Sometimes kids need peer advice, and strong bonds are not forged only on weekdays. Stepping into a facet of life other than school goes a long way in building solid relationships. When your friend advises you to tell your parents, it means a lot more if your friend actually knows your parents.

So please, Parents of My Daughter’s Friends, I would like to invite you and your daughter into my home. Never mind the fact that we live in a gated community with a private police force who has been known to show up in 3 seconds at the report of a possum in the road. I will not take responsibility for you child lightly. I will keep her safe like my own daughter. I will turn off the lights after they fall asleep giggling, and I will make them pancakes with sprinkles if it's ok with you. They talk constantly to each other on their cell phones. They face time, Skype. Your daughter already knows the locations of my bathroom, the refrigerator, and the snack drawer. I know she will be just fine here.