Saturday, December 13, 2014
Some Creative Ways to Hide Your Gifts
For a while there seemed to be a billion holidays making their way into the mainstream. They were popping up like ads on YouTube without the “Skip after 5 seconds.” I learned a lot from my preschooler in 2007: Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Chinese New Year, Diwali… Not that these holidays didn't exist for millions of people for millions of years, they just weren't in the mainstream for me. Granted I came from the suburban Midwest, I just never made a Kwanzaa poster or a construction paper Diwali candle in school.
Now, there seem to be fewer holidays than ever. Halloween costumes were already in the discount bin by October 1st, and Christmas trees were up in the stores by October 2nd. I actually was really bummed out when I went to the store and had to rummage through a pile of discounted skeleton masks to find the one thing in the whole store with a turkey on it: a plastic platter that was already marked down to $1.50 around mid October. In fact, the first week of November, it was already Black Friday according to a popular electronics store.
As a result of the holiday shopping in September phenomenon, it is never too early to think about where to hide the gifts that retailers are aggressively pushing on you while you are still folding beach towels. Personally, I never wanted to find my gifts. I liked to be surprised, but I know a lot of kids turn the house upside down and construct a hidden tunnel into their parents room in search of their impending treasures. With this in mind, I have compiled a list of places that should be pretty safe to hide your loot.
Obviously the best place to hide your much sought after gifts is the attic if you have one. If your kids are motivated enough to form a human chain to get the ceiling door open, there is a good chance that your attic is so packed with stuff (seasonal clothes, seasonal decorations, your friend’s shelf unit that is too big to fit in her new apartment, all of your brother’s belongings he left with you while he went to Europe for a month, two years ago…) there is no way your kids can navigate the clutter. There is a better chance they will fall through the pink insulation, and there is no way they can get back up there with broken legs.
Another good place to hide your 15% off stash is at someone else's house. Could be a relative, a close friend, or a neighbor, but chances are the kids will not engage in breaking and entering, especially if you sit them in front of a “Lockup” marathon one weekend afternoon.
A pretty sly way to hide your holiday goods is to keep them on layaway at the store
if possible. It's kind of like free storage, and it is extremely unlikely your kids will hijack your car AND have your layaway ticket at the same time.
One pretty good place that my husband uses regularly to hide the kids’ holiday cheer is keeping the gifts at work. I think a lot of people do this, since no one ever comments on the various packages strewn across his desk, and he in turn doesn't bat an eye at any coworkers office that resembles the Frozen aisle at Toys R Us.
You can also outsmart you little detectives by hiding gifts in your car. Personally, although there seems to be a lot of good hiding places in my SUV, like under three layers of juice boxes, dance bags, karate uniforms, lost school documents I am supposed to sign and overdue library books, my car is a bad hiding place. Somehow while my little urchins are hunting for a carton that actually has a juice box in it, they always seem to notice if something new has been added to the mess. Whether it be an elephant or a tootsie roll, those eagle eyes find it in mere seconds. However, if you have more than one car, you may be able to get away with hiding gifts in the auto without the car seats, empty food wrappers, and the smell that no one can figure out what or where it is. In some cases, a Mini Cooper may be a better hiding spot than an SUV.
If you really want to go out a limb with your hiding spots, you can try your garage if you have one. Although this may be on the kids’ gift finding radar, if you are sneaky enough, it can be done. If you have one of those garages so packed with stuff that there is no place for your car, you might try stashing stuff in an empty box with a motor oil logo that is way in the back. Or better yet, a box marked “Educational Materials.” There is no way the kids will be going near that!
If you really want to be a risk taker, you can go buy a box of those industrial black contractor bags, pile the gifts into however many bags you need, tie them up and put them next to the garbage can outside. The downside about this method is that you may accidentally throw them out with the garbage, so you may want to put a colored ribbon or something around the twist tie, and hold off on taking out the garbage while intoxicated. At least until after the holidays.
An excellent place for hiding small gifts like electronics or video games is actually the most obvious…your safe. Wherever it is, there is no way your little buggers can get in there. And if in a moment of weakness when you were thinking of your inevitable mortality, you told the kids where the key to the safe is, move it. Put in in your pantyhose, and if you don't have a safe, you can buy one. Right now they are 30% off for the holidays.
Another place people have told me they hide gifts is in that little room where the furnace and hot water heater are. In my house growing up, these clunky metal contraptions were situated in the laundry room, and we tended to stay away from them because there was fire involved. I suppose if you are super confident in your placement skills, behind the furnace could be a hideaway option. Just remember, there is a tag on all kids pajamas informing us that they are not flame retardant.
There are also a couple of similar and decent places for prying eyes to avoid: the the crawl space or the shed, if you have one. Both of these places are generally dark and creepy. There may be some
cobwebs in the crawl space, and precariously placed rakes, beach chairs and sharp gardening tools in the shed, but the main deterrent is the darkness and mustiness which very well could keep searching little hands away.
Finally, I would like to give an honorable mention to hiding this year's gifts underneath last year's gifts. Let's face it, the last time anyone played with last year's gifts was last December 27th, and there is something to be said for hiding things in plain, overlooked, sight.
Yes, it can definitely be a challenge to hide your holiday prizes, and really it's up to you to decide what is best for your situation. I know a lot of people stash stuff under their bed and in their closets. I left those places off the list because honestly, I think those are the first places kids look when no one is watching, and there is no way I want my kids under my bed… At least until I come up with alternate explanations for half the Adam and Eve catalogue.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Realization
I heard this saying a long time ago, "You don't get the child you want, you get the child you get." I always thought that was so profound. Seriously, it made me take a step back and reevaluate my expectations as a mom. This child is not me. This child is not my husband. This child is herself, a unique set of genes which created a unique little person. I realized from this simple quote, that I was trying to push my multi faceted child into my box, and no matter how much I pushed, she was never going to fit. Everyone's box is custom made, and she has her own. I swear, this realization totally changed my life.
And now, as I am navigating a different situation, this saying comes back to me. Slightly altered, but just as poignant, "You get the situation you get, not the situation you want. If you do not adapt yourself to the situation that actually exists, you will always be disappointed." It's so true it gives me chills. And the reality as I see it seems to be that too many people are incapable of understanding this concept. For example, the world we live in has become technology based. My nephew had a seminar on using the iPhone in kindergarten. Now he is in 3rd grade so no doubt his kindergarten info is obsolete, but the fact is, our children's world is far different than ours was, and no matter how tightly you close your eyes, it is what is is. Adapt or be sad.
Honestly, this is not news. Every generation is shocked and offended by the behavior and ideas of the following generation. There was "New Math," now there is "Common Core," but whatever it's name and process is, parents can't do it. They didn't learn it that way. Records became 8- tracks which became CDs which became mp3s which became raindrops in an invisible cloud that is hopefully storing all of our stuff. In some cases, you can resist the technological/generational advances. Keep your record player, keep your 8-track player, hell, keep a phonograph if that's what you want, but remember, you can't begrudge your kids or grandkids for listening to their virtual music, because that is their world and that is their way. Don't be offended that your children have no concept of cover art, it is what it is, and this is their time.
I think one of the biggest problems people have with the-times-they-are-a-changing, is that the previous generations interpret the actions of the modern generation as rude and lazy. In adapting to the newest generational status quo, many actions are not done out of rudeness or laziness, they are just the way an action has changed. For example, a long time ago, people made exquisite calligraphy written, wax sealed invitations to a party that were sent out on horseback. That gave way to handwritten cards delivered personally, which gave way to preprinted cards from a card store that were mailed, and now we have evite, the online, postage free, font chosen, clip art laden invitation which gets to the recipient in 10 seconds (depending on your internet connection and your updated contact list.). This is not rude or lazy for this generation, it's merely how you invite people to something, plain and simple. So if you are offended at getting an evite to your grandson's birthday party, get over it. This is the way it is now, and just be thankful that you figured out how to get to the website, and that "Groovy" means you will be attending. If you choose to be offended, that is solely on you.
I bring this up because I am advocating for my children, and also in a large part, for myself. It has come to my attention recently that we have not been following the plan of other people's expectations, and although not unreasonable, not really feasible in the world of today, which by the way, is the only world my kids have ever known, at least the last 10 and 6 years of it. I can tell my kids to write Thank You notes. After all, that is what my parents taught me, but sending out emails is the way my children's generation communicates, so to them, an email is just as personal as a physical card. Remember, their entire music catalogue is in a virtual cloud that they have never seen. And I think, even more personal, is a text. With a text, people are actually holding their device. An email, well, could be (gasp!) typed on a keyboard, which I expect will soon go the way of the wooly mammoth and the phonograph.
The bottom line is this, whenever you grew up, your childhood, your child rearing years, helping your kids select colleges... Those times are gone. No matter how much you enjoyed or hated them, they are memories, nostalgia, slices of your personal pie, the past. As much as ideas in the past were drilled into your head by your parents, society, and whoever else effected you, those ideas have changed. Some of them are even gone. You basically have two choices: you can evolve by learning the ways of the present, which in many cases means spending more time communicating through technology, or you can cling fiercely to the tenents you learned many years ago and often become unhappy with the way situations are handled, and disappointed with people for being who they are rather than who you expect them to be. My advice is always to move forward, and by that I don't mean buying the latest technology and gadgets on the market. I mean really move forward with your understanding and acceptance of the current world around you. Don't be offended by the way things are done in the present day. Don't compare your standards of years ago to today and judge the latter inferior. If you do this, I promise you will never be satisfied. Of course some things never change: kids will always be whining about something, half the country will always think the government sucks, everything will always be better on sale... But in the end, it is up to you. You can sit home and wait for your phone to ring, or check your texts and emails and lol.
And now, as I am navigating a different situation, this saying comes back to me. Slightly altered, but just as poignant, "You get the situation you get, not the situation you want. If you do not adapt yourself to the situation that actually exists, you will always be disappointed." It's so true it gives me chills. And the reality as I see it seems to be that too many people are incapable of understanding this concept. For example, the world we live in has become technology based. My nephew had a seminar on using the iPhone in kindergarten. Now he is in 3rd grade so no doubt his kindergarten info is obsolete, but the fact is, our children's world is far different than ours was, and no matter how tightly you close your eyes, it is what is is. Adapt or be sad.
Honestly, this is not news. Every generation is shocked and offended by the behavior and ideas of the following generation. There was "New Math," now there is "Common Core," but whatever it's name and process is, parents can't do it. They didn't learn it that way. Records became 8- tracks which became CDs which became mp3s which became raindrops in an invisible cloud that is hopefully storing all of our stuff. In some cases, you can resist the technological/generational advances. Keep your record player, keep your 8-track player, hell, keep a phonograph if that's what you want, but remember, you can't begrudge your kids or grandkids for listening to their virtual music, because that is their world and that is their way. Don't be offended that your children have no concept of cover art, it is what it is, and this is their time.
I think one of the biggest problems people have with the-times-they-are-a-changing, is that the previous generations interpret the actions of the modern generation as rude and lazy. In adapting to the newest generational status quo, many actions are not done out of rudeness or laziness, they are just the way an action has changed. For example, a long time ago, people made exquisite calligraphy written, wax sealed invitations to a party that were sent out on horseback. That gave way to handwritten cards delivered personally, which gave way to preprinted cards from a card store that were mailed, and now we have evite, the online, postage free, font chosen, clip art laden invitation which gets to the recipient in 10 seconds (depending on your internet connection and your updated contact list.). This is not rude or lazy for this generation, it's merely how you invite people to something, plain and simple. So if you are offended at getting an evite to your grandson's birthday party, get over it. This is the way it is now, and just be thankful that you figured out how to get to the website, and that "Groovy" means you will be attending. If you choose to be offended, that is solely on you.
I bring this up because I am advocating for my children, and also in a large part, for myself. It has come to my attention recently that we have not been following the plan of other people's expectations, and although not unreasonable, not really feasible in the world of today, which by the way, is the only world my kids have ever known, at least the last 10 and 6 years of it. I can tell my kids to write Thank You notes. After all, that is what my parents taught me, but sending out emails is the way my children's generation communicates, so to them, an email is just as personal as a physical card. Remember, their entire music catalogue is in a virtual cloud that they have never seen. And I think, even more personal, is a text. With a text, people are actually holding their device. An email, well, could be (gasp!) typed on a keyboard, which I expect will soon go the way of the wooly mammoth and the phonograph.
The bottom line is this, whenever you grew up, your childhood, your child rearing years, helping your kids select colleges... Those times are gone. No matter how much you enjoyed or hated them, they are memories, nostalgia, slices of your personal pie, the past. As much as ideas in the past were drilled into your head by your parents, society, and whoever else effected you, those ideas have changed. Some of them are even gone. You basically have two choices: you can evolve by learning the ways of the present, which in many cases means spending more time communicating through technology, or you can cling fiercely to the tenents you learned many years ago and often become unhappy with the way situations are handled, and disappointed with people for being who they are rather than who you expect them to be. My advice is always to move forward, and by that I don't mean buying the latest technology and gadgets on the market. I mean really move forward with your understanding and acceptance of the current world around you. Don't be offended by the way things are done in the present day. Don't compare your standards of years ago to today and judge the latter inferior. If you do this, I promise you will never be satisfied. Of course some things never change: kids will always be whining about something, half the country will always think the government sucks, everything will always be better on sale... But in the end, it is up to you. You can sit home and wait for your phone to ring, or check your texts and emails and lol.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
It's Been Awhile
Sorry, but I must admit it's been awhile since I posted a new blog. I know this because 1. It HAS been awhile, and 2. I forgot my password. It actually took me four times trying different passwords until I decided to change it, only to have the website tell me I couldn't use my new password because it was my old password. Wtf? Personally, I am all about the security questions. Where did you go to kindergarten? I remember that. How could I forget Mrs. Gruel, possibly the worst name for a kindergarten teacher in existence (unless of course there is one out there named Ida Hatzkids from Romania or somewhere. I concede that would be worse.). What is your father's middle name is a good one. Of course that can be identified in about 5 seconds on Google, but at least I know it. I think there should be a new level of security questions though. Questions that even your mom couldn't answer if she was trying to hack into your account to find out if you are still alive since you never call or write. Questions like, "Who is the first person you ever smoked pot with?" Or "What was the last name of the person you lost your virginity to?" Actually first name may be better in the scheme of things, and "Guy in the parking lot of Monsters Of Rock" would have to be acceptable.
So, what is happening lately that is blog-worthy? Nothing really out of the ordinary since we did just have a nice long 7 week summer vacation. Wtf? What happened to three months? It takes the first two weeks just to decompress from school, and the next five weeks to do summer homework. Seriously! I never had summer homework. I get the fact that you don't want the kids to forget everything they never understood during the school year, but I think a few worksheets would suffice. Four book reports for the five year old, and an author study and book analysis for the nine year old, with questions like "Write an alternate ending for the story," and "Choose three characters, list two character traits and compare them to the author's character traits." Wow. It's a miracle we could squeeze dance camp and aquarium camp in our precious seven weeks. It's ok though. The nine year old stayed up til 10pm the night before school started finishing her work. God forbid she took my advice of doing it early so she could enjoy her summer. Her brother of course nailed down those book reports in record time. After all, he had four book reports a week in kindergarten. Then of course he got the Minecraft figures that I bribed both of them with upon the completion of their summer homework, and proceeded to play with them in his sister's face for the rest of the summer. That made for happy family time.
My Mom came to visit from St. Augustine, FL. That was nice. We did nothing since every time I plan something she complains about it. This time she got to complain about not doing anything. I decided I like those complaints better because at least I don't have to spent my kids' college money on Broadway tickets or something. She got to fill us in on the medical marijuana business she is considering. I found out about it from a video she posted on Facebook of a news report they did on it in FL. I had a whole piece about it in this blog, but she asked me to please remove it, so I did. It's funny because I got all my info about it basically from Facebook and a public news story, but I am a somewhat obedient daughter, so I removed it. Honestly, I don't want to be an accessory anyway. Suffice to say that I am considering starting a internet donation fund to bail my 72 year old cutting edge sign-of-the-times mother out of federal prison, and I think I actually have a few donors nailed down. I personally am on the fence right now.
So, not much other excitement during the summer. I'm sure that I will have a lot more blog worthy experiences once school gets into full swing. I mean it's only been in session two days, and I'm pretty sure I was called a "fucking bitch" in Russian on the first day of school. Like that's never happened before? Please. Btw, I'd much rather be called a fucking bitch than a can't-get-laid bitch. I mean really. Then on school day two, a woman was standing in the street blocking traffic talking to someone, so my husband honked, and the woman flipped out and started screaming something about how we need to wait, so I said we were trying to drop our kids off at their school right down her street, so she jumps out and stands in front of our car like some psychopathic Ghandi on crack, to which I jump out of my car in full workout attire (including my metal band shirt du jour) and tell her to get out of the way and stop acting like a maniac. She starts yelling at me that she has to take her kids to school, too, so I politely advise her to then get into her car and out of the street. After repeating that suggestion a few times as she raged on, she finally did. When we got to school and related our story to the principal (who just happened to be standing outside,) he told us that was the same lady who called the city help line to report the school for having a fire drill at an inconvenient time, and I believe he said she almost ran him over with her car, so I guess it's just business as usual.
More to come as the incredulous, ridiculousness happens. I will keep you posted. Be happy, and don't forget to make time for adventures within your own journey!
Xxxx
Marielle
So, what is happening lately that is blog-worthy? Nothing really out of the ordinary since we did just have a nice long 7 week summer vacation. Wtf? What happened to three months? It takes the first two weeks just to decompress from school, and the next five weeks to do summer homework. Seriously! I never had summer homework. I get the fact that you don't want the kids to forget everything they never understood during the school year, but I think a few worksheets would suffice. Four book reports for the five year old, and an author study and book analysis for the nine year old, with questions like "Write an alternate ending for the story," and "Choose three characters, list two character traits and compare them to the author's character traits." Wow. It's a miracle we could squeeze dance camp and aquarium camp in our precious seven weeks. It's ok though. The nine year old stayed up til 10pm the night before school started finishing her work. God forbid she took my advice of doing it early so she could enjoy her summer. Her brother of course nailed down those book reports in record time. After all, he had four book reports a week in kindergarten. Then of course he got the Minecraft figures that I bribed both of them with upon the completion of their summer homework, and proceeded to play with them in his sister's face for the rest of the summer. That made for happy family time.
My Mom came to visit from St. Augustine, FL. That was nice. We did nothing since every time I plan something she complains about it. This time she got to complain about not doing anything. I decided I like those complaints better because at least I don't have to spent my kids' college money on Broadway tickets or something. She got to fill us in on the medical marijuana business she is considering. I found out about it from a video she posted on Facebook of a news report they did on it in FL. I had a whole piece about it in this blog, but she asked me to please remove it, so I did. It's funny because I got all my info about it basically from Facebook and a public news story, but I am a somewhat obedient daughter, so I removed it. Honestly, I don't want to be an accessory anyway. Suffice to say that I am considering starting a internet donation fund to bail my 72 year old cutting edge sign-of-the-times mother out of federal prison, and I think I actually have a few donors nailed down. I personally am on the fence right now.
So, not much other excitement during the summer. I'm sure that I will have a lot more blog worthy experiences once school gets into full swing. I mean it's only been in session two days, and I'm pretty sure I was called a "fucking bitch" in Russian on the first day of school. Like that's never happened before? Please. Btw, I'd much rather be called a fucking bitch than a can't-get-laid bitch. I mean really. Then on school day two, a woman was standing in the street blocking traffic talking to someone, so my husband honked, and the woman flipped out and started screaming something about how we need to wait, so I said we were trying to drop our kids off at their school right down her street, so she jumps out and stands in front of our car like some psychopathic Ghandi on crack, to which I jump out of my car in full workout attire (including my metal band shirt du jour) and tell her to get out of the way and stop acting like a maniac. She starts yelling at me that she has to take her kids to school, too, so I politely advise her to then get into her car and out of the street. After repeating that suggestion a few times as she raged on, she finally did. When we got to school and related our story to the principal (who just happened to be standing outside,) he told us that was the same lady who called the city help line to report the school for having a fire drill at an inconvenient time, and I believe he said she almost ran him over with her car, so I guess it's just business as usual.
More to come as the incredulous, ridiculousness happens. I will keep you posted. Be happy, and don't forget to make time for adventures within your own journey!
Xxxx
Marielle
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Inspiration from a Great Friend
As you probably know, I am not a big fan of the core curriculum. In fact, I just had one of those long post exchanges on one of my friends fb posts with one of her friends who probably thinks I have a screw loose (if she only knew!). She was defending the core curriculum emphatically. She said she works in education and her kindergartener is reading and writing and doing math and the core is the magical system for making this all happen. Umm... Btw, most 5 and 6 year olds learn to do that stuff in kindergarten. The first year of organized education shapes their malleable little minds and fills the spaces between Dora and why-is-my-sister's-cookie-bigger-than-mine? With all sorts of useful information like reading, writing and math. Aside from being little petri dished of lice, viruses, and strep throat, these amazing little people suck in information like sponges, and it is truly one of the coolest things ever to watch your little one learn to read and proceed to announce everything written. "Mommy, what does 'omg those shots were amazing and how hot was that bartender' mean?" "Where are you reading that?" "In your phone." "Give my that you little urchin! Mommys phone is off limits!" Guess what, it's not the core curriculum. It's the general curriculum of kindergarten. Somehow between my macaroni letters and sparkly Christmas ornaments, I learned reading, writing and 'rithmatic too in kindergarten circa 1973.
The core, as I have learned from attending various seminars and reading with that amazing flair I got from putting my macaroni letters together, is based on getting students ready for college. I am not joking. From five years old, the core is grooming Jr. For the SAT. Bye bye childhood, hello Ivy League. Thank you Common Core. Seriously? I can not begin to tell you how many ways I think that is wrong, but being me, I will try.
First of all playing and learning social skills are important parts of being 5 and 6. They are important throughout your life, and impact everything you do as well as self esteem. Even, dunt da da, college! Reading and writing are big of course and you will continue to perfect them, but social skills and play will eventually be taken for granted and put on the back burner. They will help our younger children the most as they navigate this bigger world they have found in school. They need to learn through play while they can. Think about it, they were peeing in their diaper half their lives at this point. Algebra can wait.
Also, who says your 5 year old is going to college? Not only will it be $80,000 a year by then (with no financial aid available so who is paying for this anyway?) maybe they will want to do something else, like go into acting, or music, or video production. None of those occupations require a college degree. Which brings me to my next point, art and music. Schools are viewing these amazing skills as unnecessary, and the arts are the first classes to get the boot to be replaced by more time to prepare for the tests. Teachers gear their entire curriculum toward doing well on the test from day one. I don't know who wrote the test, but s/he is getting more worship than all the current gods put together. I wonder what Jesus would do if he saw my daughters math homework, or the 7 pages my 5 year old brings home every day? He'd probably run away and start his own religion....hmmm,.... Honestly, if they want to prepare my 5 year old for college, teach him how to pitch strikes or do a perfect layup shot. If you start at 5 and keep focusing on it through twelfth grade, not only is he going to college, he's got a scholarship! Boo ya!
Honestly, the ELA core is based on reading and answering questions and writing essays on what you read. Not what you THINK about what you read, but EXACTLY what you read providing at least two examples. The other day my daughter was afraid to use an adjective because it wasn't explicitly stated in the reading passage. Really? Is this how we create bold and innovative thinkers? Steve Jobs would have spent several years in the fourth grade if that's how it was. There is actually more critical thinking in the math portion. You actually have to combine at least one, sometimes three mathematical procedures to get the answers. Of course then you have to write exactly what you did in every step or you get points off, so you better pay attention. Big Brother cares about your methodology equally as much as the correct answer. Good thing Costco doesn't ask you exactly how you came to the conclusion to buy 1,000 Advil instead of 2 million. That's easy though- 1,000 is the smallest amount they carry, AND you have two kids in Common Core. Two examples! Your purchase is approved!
In all honesty, I went to a neurological seminar on brain development in children a few months ago. The Neuropsychologist mapped the average human brain and had a timeline of its development. Do you know that around 19-22 your brain function actually decreases? It goes through a pruning process eliminating non-useful brain cells, and then reorders itself to work most efficiently. 19-22, just the age that kids get to college. Maybe because Common Core will get all kids into college, pruning will become obsolete, and Frat parties will assume that responsibility. Plus the mediocre social skills will have the kids drinking even more, and pruning? Save that for the hedges. Honestly, the neuropsychologist recommended that kids take a year or two after high school to start college. Their brains will be better suited, and they will find out how much working at the gap really sucks so they will be more determined to use college as a tool for education.
Actually, I did get an interesting thought today while I was on the phone with one of my dearest friends ever. Why don't all kids take the GED after 8th grade? If they pass it, let them take whatever they fucking want in high school. Biochemistry? Ok. Auto mechanics? Ok? Photography? Poetry? Marine biology? Sure. They already meet the criteria to pass high school, why not let them be free to explore their real interests? Or better yet, develop some that allow them to be free thinkers and really learn something aside from how to dissect a passage for two (or more!) examples.
Truthfully, I understand the premise behind the common core, and it's bullshit. It's a program bought from a private company that tries to get our children to think along the same lines. It accounts for learning differences in math by teaching them four ways to do something so they are too confused and end up learning the only way that their parents know, and then go back to the private sector for tutoring since neither you nor your college student babysitter armed with google, and YouTube still can't figure out how this math we learned twenty years ago works today. Let's keep that education economy moving, and focus on the perfect layup 12 hours a day on the weekends. My oldest friend who I met in a brownie daycamp when I was 6 recently brought up this point: How is it that our hippie 70s parents who were selling pot in the garage and drinking at noon raised all these smart kids who had no trouble with school and testing? We didn't need tutors and 3 months of pretests. We had recorders and paper mâché and a compost heap outside. We had square dancing and gym 3x a week, and had cooking lessons, and beanbag chairs, and library time every day in a massive library with book nooks and tree houses and big soft pillows. We never watched a movie unless it was from National Geographic, and some kid in the class actually knew how to use the projector and make it stop stuttering (that was probably Bill Gates in his class!). We played strategy games and had experiences, and were asked for our opinions, and most importantly, we learned.
You know when you are potty training your kid and there are two types of parents. One type takes the potty everywhere and wears a watch with an alarm set at the times she needs to put her kid on the potty. The other type lets the kid run around naked half the time and has a cabinet full of Swiffer pads and seventeen pairs of underwear in her purse. The bottom line is always the same, the kid won't be wetting his pants walking down the aisle, and if he does, he probably shouldn't have had that last shot of Jaegermeister, but hey, his new spouse is now in charge anyway. Whether or not the core tries to mold your kid into another brick in the wall, it is up to us, as parents to reinforce our child's opinions, and open their eyes to the arts, and make learning an exciting experience. One of my biggest fears is that my five year old will be burnt out by 10 with all this forceful feeding of basic algebra and book reports (yes he does 3-4 a week!). I think he'll be too short to really perfect the layup, but he makes up amazing stories with his animals, and knows every dinosaur there is, what it eats, and how it's social structure works. Damn if I am going to discourage his ideas. I'll just tell him to be a brick for the test. I think he will do just fine. Actually, I think he will do awesome. He would probably enjoy making some macaroni letters. Maybe we will try it next weekend.
The core, as I have learned from attending various seminars and reading with that amazing flair I got from putting my macaroni letters together, is based on getting students ready for college. I am not joking. From five years old, the core is grooming Jr. For the SAT. Bye bye childhood, hello Ivy League. Thank you Common Core. Seriously? I can not begin to tell you how many ways I think that is wrong, but being me, I will try.
First of all playing and learning social skills are important parts of being 5 and 6. They are important throughout your life, and impact everything you do as well as self esteem. Even, dunt da da, college! Reading and writing are big of course and you will continue to perfect them, but social skills and play will eventually be taken for granted and put on the back burner. They will help our younger children the most as they navigate this bigger world they have found in school. They need to learn through play while they can. Think about it, they were peeing in their diaper half their lives at this point. Algebra can wait.
Also, who says your 5 year old is going to college? Not only will it be $80,000 a year by then (with no financial aid available so who is paying for this anyway?) maybe they will want to do something else, like go into acting, or music, or video production. None of those occupations require a college degree. Which brings me to my next point, art and music. Schools are viewing these amazing skills as unnecessary, and the arts are the first classes to get the boot to be replaced by more time to prepare for the tests. Teachers gear their entire curriculum toward doing well on the test from day one. I don't know who wrote the test, but s/he is getting more worship than all the current gods put together. I wonder what Jesus would do if he saw my daughters math homework, or the 7 pages my 5 year old brings home every day? He'd probably run away and start his own religion....hmmm,.... Honestly, if they want to prepare my 5 year old for college, teach him how to pitch strikes or do a perfect layup shot. If you start at 5 and keep focusing on it through twelfth grade, not only is he going to college, he's got a scholarship! Boo ya!
Honestly, the ELA core is based on reading and answering questions and writing essays on what you read. Not what you THINK about what you read, but EXACTLY what you read providing at least two examples. The other day my daughter was afraid to use an adjective because it wasn't explicitly stated in the reading passage. Really? Is this how we create bold and innovative thinkers? Steve Jobs would have spent several years in the fourth grade if that's how it was. There is actually more critical thinking in the math portion. You actually have to combine at least one, sometimes three mathematical procedures to get the answers. Of course then you have to write exactly what you did in every step or you get points off, so you better pay attention. Big Brother cares about your methodology equally as much as the correct answer. Good thing Costco doesn't ask you exactly how you came to the conclusion to buy 1,000 Advil instead of 2 million. That's easy though- 1,000 is the smallest amount they carry, AND you have two kids in Common Core. Two examples! Your purchase is approved!
In all honesty, I went to a neurological seminar on brain development in children a few months ago. The Neuropsychologist mapped the average human brain and had a timeline of its development. Do you know that around 19-22 your brain function actually decreases? It goes through a pruning process eliminating non-useful brain cells, and then reorders itself to work most efficiently. 19-22, just the age that kids get to college. Maybe because Common Core will get all kids into college, pruning will become obsolete, and Frat parties will assume that responsibility. Plus the mediocre social skills will have the kids drinking even more, and pruning? Save that for the hedges. Honestly, the neuropsychologist recommended that kids take a year or two after high school to start college. Their brains will be better suited, and they will find out how much working at the gap really sucks so they will be more determined to use college as a tool for education.
Actually, I did get an interesting thought today while I was on the phone with one of my dearest friends ever. Why don't all kids take the GED after 8th grade? If they pass it, let them take whatever they fucking want in high school. Biochemistry? Ok. Auto mechanics? Ok? Photography? Poetry? Marine biology? Sure. They already meet the criteria to pass high school, why not let them be free to explore their real interests? Or better yet, develop some that allow them to be free thinkers and really learn something aside from how to dissect a passage for two (or more!) examples.
Truthfully, I understand the premise behind the common core, and it's bullshit. It's a program bought from a private company that tries to get our children to think along the same lines. It accounts for learning differences in math by teaching them four ways to do something so they are too confused and end up learning the only way that their parents know, and then go back to the private sector for tutoring since neither you nor your college student babysitter armed with google, and YouTube still can't figure out how this math we learned twenty years ago works today. Let's keep that education economy moving, and focus on the perfect layup 12 hours a day on the weekends. My oldest friend who I met in a brownie daycamp when I was 6 recently brought up this point: How is it that our hippie 70s parents who were selling pot in the garage and drinking at noon raised all these smart kids who had no trouble with school and testing? We didn't need tutors and 3 months of pretests. We had recorders and paper mâché and a compost heap outside. We had square dancing and gym 3x a week, and had cooking lessons, and beanbag chairs, and library time every day in a massive library with book nooks and tree houses and big soft pillows. We never watched a movie unless it was from National Geographic, and some kid in the class actually knew how to use the projector and make it stop stuttering (that was probably Bill Gates in his class!). We played strategy games and had experiences, and were asked for our opinions, and most importantly, we learned.
You know when you are potty training your kid and there are two types of parents. One type takes the potty everywhere and wears a watch with an alarm set at the times she needs to put her kid on the potty. The other type lets the kid run around naked half the time and has a cabinet full of Swiffer pads and seventeen pairs of underwear in her purse. The bottom line is always the same, the kid won't be wetting his pants walking down the aisle, and if he does, he probably shouldn't have had that last shot of Jaegermeister, but hey, his new spouse is now in charge anyway. Whether or not the core tries to mold your kid into another brick in the wall, it is up to us, as parents to reinforce our child's opinions, and open their eyes to the arts, and make learning an exciting experience. One of my biggest fears is that my five year old will be burnt out by 10 with all this forceful feeding of basic algebra and book reports (yes he does 3-4 a week!). I think he'll be too short to really perfect the layup, but he makes up amazing stories with his animals, and knows every dinosaur there is, what it eats, and how it's social structure works. Damn if I am going to discourage his ideas. I'll just tell him to be a brick for the test. I think he will do just fine. Actually, I think he will do awesome. He would probably enjoy making some macaroni letters. Maybe we will try it next weekend.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
SCHOOL SUCKS!
Enraged? Yeah but more than that... Furious? More. Incensed? More.... I got it, I AM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF! Nailed it!
I honestly think elementary school is worse now than it was when I was a student. Way worse, and I am not talking about for current students, I am talking about FOR ME!
You see, I have this bright, beautiful daughter. She taught herself to read when she was 3. She used sign language as an infant to participate in the action, and her use of language has always been exceptional. I was like, "Cool. No worries in the school department." And it was all good. Passed the gifted test, Student or Citizen of the Month K-3, won the science fair two years in a row. All good. Never big on homework though. Never wanted to do it, lots of bribery, and then in fourth grade, when she was 8, she just froze. Couldn't do it. Sat for hours just staring into space. Then got so defensive about homework that she would argue for an hour rather than write one sentence. Then lost her self esteem. Believed she couldn't do it and is stupid. And that's where we are now.
I went through every route I could think of: therapy, medication ( for depression and ADD,). Learning centers, tutoring, punishment, positive reinforcement... Everything. Then my mother-in-law went to a seminar on neurofeedback, so of course I checked it out. The Dr. scanned her brain. She sat in an electrode covered cap for hours plugged into the computer looking like a revamped Devo video, and then, we had it. When the results of the brain functioning scan came back, the Dr. looked her straight in the eyes and told her, "You are going to do great things in your life!" Her brain was not only exceptional, it was working too hard on a certain wavelength. She was constantly overloaded and couldn't find a way to get the information she needed from her unorganized jam packed file cabinet of a brain. It was too much for her, so she froze.
So, I have to do something. Before she flunks fourth grade, I have to help her find that information. Organize her thoughts, stop yelling and cursing and be sympathetic and try as hard as I can to understand something I have never known. What do I do? While she is currently undergoing a battery of psychological tests, I can file paperwork that can help her out in school a little bit. It's called a 504 plan and it exists to make allowances for people who need a little help. Like she can sit in front, have more time to copy the homework, be reminders of which books to take home, get a little extra test time. Not the moon on a silver platter, not Sir Paul McCartney's email address, just a little extra help for a nine year old girl struggling to stay afloat in educational waters that are murky for her. So my husband asks about it in the school office. The vice principal gives him the wrong form. He goes back in. The vice principal doesn't have the other form. By the way, this is the vice principal who told me to tell my 4 year old kindergartener not to do all of his homework if I thought it was too much. WTF? Of course 6 pages of homework including book summaries and letters written 220 times is too much, but I am no kinda telling a kid with at least 12 years of school ahead of him that he doesn't have to do his homework!!! Stupid doesn't begin to describe this woman. Unqualified merely scratches the surface.
Anyway, I have the form downloaded, so whatever, until I go pick up my kids from school, and the other vice principal stops me and coldly tells me she gave my daughter the right form. "That's cool," I tell her, "Thanks. I downloaded it anyway." Now I get the icy evil queen in Snow White glare, "Well, there are a lot of forms, are you sure you have the right one?" As if I am as stupid as her coworker. I take it from my purse, "Here is the one I printed. Does it look right?" She sneers and looks it over, "Yes but mine has the top filled out." Ok, you win Ice Queen. You wrote my daughters name and the school address on yours...AND you highlighted the section for the doctor to fill out (which is so ambiguously titled "Medical Professional fills out this part"). I ask what happens after the form goes in. She tells me it will be reviewed by a committee and accepted or not. "You will find out then if she gets extra test time," cackles Broomhildas evil twin. "Actually, ". I reply, "it's not really about test time. My daughter has executive functioning issues and she needs other things like extra time to copy home work and a reminder of which books to bring home. Maybe I could come in and help her." "You will NOT BE COMING IN!" She rages. "Someone from the school will do that." "Great, " is my reply, "I was just trying to help so it doesn't burden her teacher. Gotta go." And I leave Malificent to take kids to the bus...or maybe to a house in the woods made of candy.
I am not furious yet. I am confused. Why are these people so against me wanting to help my child? Don't they want to help her? Ummm,.... Isn't it kinda their FUCKING job? You work at Toys r Us, you can hate kids all you want. In fact, I'm sure 99% of TRU employees would be happy to never see a snotty faced slimey handed kid ever again ( of course there is always the 1% retired grandparent who's grand kids live out of state and can't wait to sell some whiny brat the latest video system, if only they knew how to work that newfangled computerized cash register...). But when you work at an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, or any school for that matter, helping kids is kinda on your agenda. Right? I mean run for congress if you want to be an obstacle in people's lives. So, I go get my kids, and I want to talk to my daughters teacher. I want to set up a meeting so I can tell her that she is a great teacher and the 504 has nothing to do with her teaching. She is awesome. She should know. We agree to meet. All good.... Oh, but it's not.
Don't ask me how I know, but the Evil Stepmother with the poison apple who steals all the puppies won't let the teacher talk to me. There will be no meeting. No chance for me to explain to this great teacher how much I appreciate her, and ask her if she has any ideas for the 504 that may help my daughter. NOW I SEE FIRE! I see Another Brick in the Wall Part 2.. Worse than indifference, I see interference! And again I ask myself "WHY?" Why don't they want to help my child? I am not asking them to love her. I don't even give a shit if they like her, just help her. It is your FUCKING job. It may not even work. You, Evil Ursula from the deep, what will you gain by denying my child? Will you feel powerful? Will you feel invincible wielding your shield of unwarranted position over a 49 pound girl who keeps forgetting her folder?
I am miles away, maybe light years from being the perfect parent. I yell, I scream, I swear, and sometimes I turn into a demon from hell trying to raise my children. Hell, it's like taming a wild animal sometimes and I was nowhere in line to replace Sigfried or Roy, or whichever one became a tiger chew toy. In fact, I probably have more in common with the chew toy than the tamer. But I love my children and will try anything to help them. They are kind and smart and funny.... And I know I am their mom so of course I see them in a special light. That is my place. That is my job. And you, Wicked Witch with all your evil henchmen and flying monkeys, you are running a public school. Helping my children is your job too.
I honestly think elementary school is worse now than it was when I was a student. Way worse, and I am not talking about for current students, I am talking about FOR ME!
You see, I have this bright, beautiful daughter. She taught herself to read when she was 3. She used sign language as an infant to participate in the action, and her use of language has always been exceptional. I was like, "Cool. No worries in the school department." And it was all good. Passed the gifted test, Student or Citizen of the Month K-3, won the science fair two years in a row. All good. Never big on homework though. Never wanted to do it, lots of bribery, and then in fourth grade, when she was 8, she just froze. Couldn't do it. Sat for hours just staring into space. Then got so defensive about homework that she would argue for an hour rather than write one sentence. Then lost her self esteem. Believed she couldn't do it and is stupid. And that's where we are now.
I went through every route I could think of: therapy, medication ( for depression and ADD,). Learning centers, tutoring, punishment, positive reinforcement... Everything. Then my mother-in-law went to a seminar on neurofeedback, so of course I checked it out. The Dr. scanned her brain. She sat in an electrode covered cap for hours plugged into the computer looking like a revamped Devo video, and then, we had it. When the results of the brain functioning scan came back, the Dr. looked her straight in the eyes and told her, "You are going to do great things in your life!" Her brain was not only exceptional, it was working too hard on a certain wavelength. She was constantly overloaded and couldn't find a way to get the information she needed from her unorganized jam packed file cabinet of a brain. It was too much for her, so she froze.
So, I have to do something. Before she flunks fourth grade, I have to help her find that information. Organize her thoughts, stop yelling and cursing and be sympathetic and try as hard as I can to understand something I have never known. What do I do? While she is currently undergoing a battery of psychological tests, I can file paperwork that can help her out in school a little bit. It's called a 504 plan and it exists to make allowances for people who need a little help. Like she can sit in front, have more time to copy the homework, be reminders of which books to take home, get a little extra test time. Not the moon on a silver platter, not Sir Paul McCartney's email address, just a little extra help for a nine year old girl struggling to stay afloat in educational waters that are murky for her. So my husband asks about it in the school office. The vice principal gives him the wrong form. He goes back in. The vice principal doesn't have the other form. By the way, this is the vice principal who told me to tell my 4 year old kindergartener not to do all of his homework if I thought it was too much. WTF? Of course 6 pages of homework including book summaries and letters written 220 times is too much, but I am no kinda telling a kid with at least 12 years of school ahead of him that he doesn't have to do his homework!!! Stupid doesn't begin to describe this woman. Unqualified merely scratches the surface.
Anyway, I have the form downloaded, so whatever, until I go pick up my kids from school, and the other vice principal stops me and coldly tells me she gave my daughter the right form. "That's cool," I tell her, "Thanks. I downloaded it anyway." Now I get the icy evil queen in Snow White glare, "Well, there are a lot of forms, are you sure you have the right one?" As if I am as stupid as her coworker. I take it from my purse, "Here is the one I printed. Does it look right?" She sneers and looks it over, "Yes but mine has the top filled out." Ok, you win Ice Queen. You wrote my daughters name and the school address on yours...AND you highlighted the section for the doctor to fill out (which is so ambiguously titled "Medical Professional fills out this part"). I ask what happens after the form goes in. She tells me it will be reviewed by a committee and accepted or not. "You will find out then if she gets extra test time," cackles Broomhildas evil twin. "Actually, ". I reply, "it's not really about test time. My daughter has executive functioning issues and she needs other things like extra time to copy home work and a reminder of which books to bring home. Maybe I could come in and help her." "You will NOT BE COMING IN!" She rages. "Someone from the school will do that." "Great, " is my reply, "I was just trying to help so it doesn't burden her teacher. Gotta go." And I leave Malificent to take kids to the bus...or maybe to a house in the woods made of candy.
I am not furious yet. I am confused. Why are these people so against me wanting to help my child? Don't they want to help her? Ummm,.... Isn't it kinda their FUCKING job? You work at Toys r Us, you can hate kids all you want. In fact, I'm sure 99% of TRU employees would be happy to never see a snotty faced slimey handed kid ever again ( of course there is always the 1% retired grandparent who's grand kids live out of state and can't wait to sell some whiny brat the latest video system, if only they knew how to work that newfangled computerized cash register...). But when you work at an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, or any school for that matter, helping kids is kinda on your agenda. Right? I mean run for congress if you want to be an obstacle in people's lives. So, I go get my kids, and I want to talk to my daughters teacher. I want to set up a meeting so I can tell her that she is a great teacher and the 504 has nothing to do with her teaching. She is awesome. She should know. We agree to meet. All good.... Oh, but it's not.
Don't ask me how I know, but the Evil Stepmother with the poison apple who steals all the puppies won't let the teacher talk to me. There will be no meeting. No chance for me to explain to this great teacher how much I appreciate her, and ask her if she has any ideas for the 504 that may help my daughter. NOW I SEE FIRE! I see Another Brick in the Wall Part 2.. Worse than indifference, I see interference! And again I ask myself "WHY?" Why don't they want to help my child? I am not asking them to love her. I don't even give a shit if they like her, just help her. It is your FUCKING job. It may not even work. You, Evil Ursula from the deep, what will you gain by denying my child? Will you feel powerful? Will you feel invincible wielding your shield of unwarranted position over a 49 pound girl who keeps forgetting her folder?
I am miles away, maybe light years from being the perfect parent. I yell, I scream, I swear, and sometimes I turn into a demon from hell trying to raise my children. Hell, it's like taming a wild animal sometimes and I was nowhere in line to replace Sigfried or Roy, or whichever one became a tiger chew toy. In fact, I probably have more in common with the chew toy than the tamer. But I love my children and will try anything to help them. They are kind and smart and funny.... And I know I am their mom so of course I see them in a special light. That is my place. That is my job. And you, Wicked Witch with all your evil henchmen and flying monkeys, you are running a public school. Helping my children is your job too.
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