So I am sitting here the night before my birthday thinking, “Seriously, how the fuck did I live this long?” Mexico in ‘89 should have been it, not to mention the completely stupid irresponsible events that occurred before and after.
One of the multitude of things I hate about getting older is that birthdays suck. I know it’s my bad attitude. I remember when I turned 10 and wept into my fathers arms, “I don’t want to be double digits! I like single digits! And double digits is usually as far as you go!” He hugged me and told me about how exciting life gets and how many really great people and experiences happen. I didn’t buy it for a moment. I was a happy kid. I was loved, I knew my boundaries (and generally accepted them) and I did not want Father Time messing with my world. It’s funny, but I never got over it. As many cool people and exciting adventures I had, I would still trade it all for a candy hunt in the backyard and a homemade box cake with jelly between the layers.
Yes, I do understand that my attitude is everything, and it can change. And don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed skydiving and backpacking through Europe and being on the radio for a decade, but it is never the same as single digits, and I guess I always felt like that’s where I belonged.
So, here I am about to be older than I have ever been, trying to have a better attitude about the whole thing. I know there are more spectacular occasions ahead (at least I hope so!) And there are landmark events to anticipate. I love learning new things and they are everywhere. I can discover a new passion and follow that road into all kinds of new adventures and challenges. I am still ticking. The earth is still rotating. Who knows how many years or days I even have left. I should definitely make every effort to really live them in ways that put a smile on my face.
But the truth is, that April 20 a million years ago when I turned 10, I didn’t like it. I didn’t want it. And there is a big part of me that still doesn’t, no matter how hard I try.
But thank you for the birthday wishes. I am truly enamored and proud of my friends and family. You have made me laugh til I couldn’t breathe, held me when I couldn’t stop crying, nurtured me when I couldn’t take it anymore, and been there for me with a kind word or funny anecdote to make my days bright and happy.
I’ll keep working on my attitude. I’m getting a new therapist so that should be fun. I really didn’t think I would ever have this birthday and feel this way about it. Thank you for being on my journey. It helps more than you will ever know.
