My
daughter’s teacher is having her first baby in a few months. Actually, in her case, it is BABIES, since
she is pregnant with twins. She actually
looks a lot better than I did with both of my single pregnancies… but I
digress.
I see this
amazing mom-to-be every day at dismissal, and although I try my best to bite my
tongue in regards to giving her mom advice, I just can’t seem to keep
quiet. Seriously! Despite the cardinal sin status of new mother
advice giving, it’s like a free dessert with your meal. You know you shouldn’t. You try not to, but in the end, you just
can’t help yourself. It’s as if the
devil on my shoulder is the triumphant Al Capone breaking the law to build his
empire, and my other shoulder’s angel is Forrest Gump sitting on a park bench
occasionally, accidentally getting it right.
So I decided
to try to inform this newbie mom-to-be about some of the lesser known things she
should do now, for herself, in advance of motherhood.
Binge watch your favorite tv shows. Not only do
new moms have little to no time for tv, if they do get to watch something, they
will undoubtedly fall asleep within the first 10 minutes. Even if the show has an exciting car chase, a
hot main character, or a surprise jailhouse shanking, fatigue always wins, and
no number of toothpicks can keep a new mom’s eyes open. Not only that, but at some point in the near
future, the television will show nothing but a young girl with a singing
backpack hanging out with a fox, or some weird creatures who live in a boombox.
2.
Go out to dinner as often as
possible. Even if
your feet hurt because they are the size of the Hindenburg, go to dinner
anyway. Or lunch. Or breakfast.
Although cooking is near the bottom of the “Want To” list, going out to
dinner with a baby is at the top of the “Don’t Want To” list. There is a brief period of time after they
are born when babies are still somewhat comatose, but parents are generally working
on settling into a new life-with-baby routine, and by the time they feel
comfortable going to a restaurant, Junior will be an uncooperative dining
companion. Babies eat often, and if you
are nursing, it isn’t fun when you are dining out. Nursing in public can be very uncomfortable
at first. Some moms actually never get
used to it. Even if you are fine with breastfeeding
outside of your home, someone is bound to be offended, and despite your cutting
edge nursing shawl, you will be relegated to the bathroom, or the car, and will
undoubtedly miss the meal. If you are
using bottles, your hands are full, and licking your food off of the plate is a
definite breach of table manners. Not to
mention your child’s disposition and volume.
Neither are within your control, yet both will have you pacing outside
the restaurant forever, or at least for the length of the meal.
3. Go to every movie that seems cool. Even if the movie got
bad reviews but has an interesting premise, go.
Even if you don’t understand the movie’s premise but there is some good
eye candy in the movie, go. Even if the
movie is in a different language but has subtitles, go. After a baby arrives, you will not get to see
a movie for months, possibly years. And
unless you have a nanny or family nearby, when you do start going out to the
movies again, they will all be animated and the only hot characters will be on
fire. Also, movies geared toward young
children have a high annoyance factor despite the politically correct
plot. I don’t think the hearing impaired
can sit through 60 minutes of the Smurf voice.
Even if you love Gilbert Gottfried and Sara Silverman, you will spend a
lot of time with young children in the theater restroom during the movie. Yes, you may have to take a few movie
bathroom breaks while pregnant, but that is nothing compared to the times your
little one will sit on the potty trying for something while a princess realizes
her mother was right on the big screen.
4. Read as often as you can. New moms don’t have
much quiet time alone…. At least when they are awake. Reading requires concentration, and much like
watching tv, fatigue generally trumps reading.
If you do read as a new mom, your mind tends to wander. You will think about groceries, pediatrician
appointments, and diaper sales while you read the same sentence 25 times in a
row. And if by some miracle you stay
engaged in a book, by the time you get back to it, you will have to reread the
last few chapters to remember what’s happening.
Also, with new babies, parents tend to read a lot of “How to” books, and
there are a ton of them. From swaddling
to feeding to socializing, baby manuals abound, and the bookstore has an entire
section to address every question a parent could ever ask. Stephen King, Tom Clancy, and even Janet
Evanovich most likely will be pushed aside for pediatric authors, psychologists,
and professional nannies.
5. Talk on the phone. Open your contact list and start
dialing. Before your baby arrives, you
can have actual conversations that don’t involve spit up, tummy time, or diaper
rash. You can talk about the politics,
celebrity gossip, or the latest bunch of movies you have seen and books you
have read. You can talk for thirty
minutes straight, or an hour! There will
be no screaming baby in the background, and you won’t have to whisper for fear
of awakening said baby. Even if you are
a texter, call people anyway. This may
be the last time you hear your friends’ voices for a while without listening to your
voicemail.
I guess in a
nutshell, my advice to first time moms-to-be is to take time before the baby
comes to do what makes you happy. Of
course your bundle of joy (or bundles in the case of my daughter’s teacher)
will make you happy in a heartfelt way that you have never known, but it may be
a long time until you can focus on yourself again. As veteran parents, I think that is the kind
of advice we should give if we can’t keep our opinions to ourselves…
Ooops! I guess my little devil wins
again.
