I moved to NYC in 2000. Being from Chicagoland (because that's what we call suburbia up there,) I didn't have to wear my real winter coat for at least 3 years in NY. You know THE winter coat, the one that is so warm you don't actually need the thermal union jack, two turtlenecks and three sweaters under it? You can actually wear it over your regular clothes, and you are still toasty in -5. Your face may be frozen into Droopy Dog covered in icicles of mucus and saliva (despite your ski mask, scarf, and hat) but your limbs, torso, and hopefully legs are warm. In Chicago (land), no one looks at you twice since everyone looks like that, and you keep that coat until it is down to the very last feather of whatever mutant bird from Greenland "donated" it, because it is VERY hard to find a coat like that. Of course The coat moved with me from residence to residence I even pulled it out a few times in Ohio, but NYC, just not cold enough. Especially if you take the subway. It may be 25 outside, but it is 75 in the subway and you and every other Frosty the Snowman in July are stuck in this steam bath until you reach your destination. No way. Not only was it not cold enough for THE jacket on the streets of NYC, it was easier to for me to wear a sweatshirt if it was over 25 degrees and I was using mass transit.
Eventually I did get rid of THE coat. I retrospect, I should have mailed it back to the Midwest, but I can only hope it gave some homeless person the night sweats so badly that he thought he had gone through a heroine withdrawal and went on to become president of his own online gambling casino. I had worn THE coat a few times, and it just didn't work in NYC. I bought a lighter coat, more suited to an environment where the water in your eyes doesn't freeze and it is sometimes actually too cold to snow, and I was very happy in this new coat. Actually I still am, despite the fact that the weather is changing quite a bit in The Big Apple.
In my opinion, it's still not that cold here, but it is starting to snow more regularly. When I first moved here, I was actually kind of astonished that it barely snowed. I mean NYC is far from the tropics, I just figured it snowed like home. Nope. Not even close. It did snow once in a while though. Maybe a few times a winter, and everyone made a big deal about it. Store shelves resembled those of the day of the Rodney King verdict. Everything was closed and cancelled, and it snowed! Like 18". Really? When it snowed 2 feet in Chicago (land) and the school bus door could only open six inches, you best contort yourself through it and fast. That bus was on a schedule, and not going to be late to school. I remember one time in high school when it was my birthday. I was walking down the stairs to get to class and I looked out the window and it was a blizzard. My birthday is April 20th.
Anyway, due to no global warming whatsoever, every year NYC winters are getting more snow. 2006 was a big snowy winter, and the reason I know this is not because I lived here (I mean I did, but in my mind it is still always a big snowy winter. You can take the girl out of Chicago...) but because this year, right now in fact, we New Yorkers are bracing ourselves for the biggest blizzard to ever hit the city: Snowpocalypse! A beast even bigger than whatever happened in 2006... which I believe was called Snowmaggedon, but don't quote me on that. Now I get it. This is a big city filled with millions of people, so the governing bodies have to bear in mind a shitload of safety concerns. It hasn't even snowed that much and I'm sure there are already lawsuits filed by 500 people who slipped on a frosty street. Not only that, but this is like porn for the newscasters. Is it snowing in Afghanistan? No! It's snowing right here in NYC! And that poor Asian woman is once again being sent out in a fashionable anorak to report from the most windblown place that the news van could find. I admit it. After Hurricane Sandy destroyed most of South Brooklyn, including half of our home, I take these overhyped weather reports much more seriously. I get it. It's going to snow...probably a few feet, and the wind is going to be strong, maybe 60 mph in some places. Since I live in Brooklyn, most people's attitudes are, "I survived Sandy. Bring it on." Seriously, it's true. The hurricane was pure devastation. This is snow. I am well aware that snow brings it's own set of problems (You can take a girl out of Chicago...) so I did my best to be prepared. Batteries of all sizes and shapes? Check. Bread, milk, peanut butter, potato chips and beer? Check. Candles that have had the dust wiped off of them? Check. Snow shovel that your daughter is not allowed to touch since she left it on the ground to get buried under 3 feet of snow in an undisclosed location? Check. Full tank of gas? Sorta check. Salt and weird blue ice melting stuff that probably contains plutonium? Check. All plans cancelled for tomorrow? Check. I am as ready as I will ever be. So now we wait.
The snow wasn't supposed to start until 1pm. Cool. I had a training session at my gym at 10am. No problem. At least I would get those arms pumped for shoveling. About a week ago, my gym, Ballys, became 24 Hour Fitness. Everyone found out because of the 24 Hour Fitness sticker stuck to the door, but that's beside the point. The point is, since Ballys became 24 Hour Fitness, it has actually never been open 24 hours. So I was in the middle of my training when the announcement came that the gym would be closing at 2pm. Mind you it hadn't even started snowing yet. Then, when the first flake of snow hit the sidewalk, another announcement came in that said the gym would be closed the following day. What? Ballys was open during Sandy, but 24 Hour Fitness closes early and doesn't even open at all? I will now be referring to the gym as Sometimes Open Fitness, that is on the rare occasions when I don't refer to it as Ballys.
So I picked up the kids (who I almost forgot about since I was so dumbfounded that the gym was closing 8 hours early at 2... oh yeah...my kids get out of school at 2. Better go get them,) and I texted my husband that I would be stopping at Walgreens on the way home. Did he need anything? He texted something back, but honestly, it was so lame that I immediately forgot about it. So I am in Walgreens. I figure one last stop juuuust in case. Picked up some more batteries, some snacks, some milk.... now what was that thing my husband texted me? I left my phone in the car, and try as I may, it is impossible for me to recall his request. I stroll down the aisles...a razor? No. Shampoo? No. Tylenol? No. A Chia Pet? Screw this I'm checking out. I pay way to much for what little I got, and get back in the car looking for my phone. I scroll through his messages, and there it is...scotch tape. WTF????? Scotch tape? Really? Why the fuck would anyone need scotch tape for a snow storm? I would have understood if it was just scotch. I mean a bunch of my friends texted me from around the country to make sure I had rum, vodka, wine and tequila. Surprisingly, none of them mentioned scotch tape, and I know it wasn't scotch with stupid auto correct because the man has so much scotch that the liquor cabinet is overflowing. Duct tape would make more sense. After all we do have 2 kids who won't stop whining and talking, but we have duct tape. Scotch tape? So I start thinking, "Why do we need scotch tape for Snowpocolypse?" Seriously, am I missing something? Might we need to tape a note on the door in case our doorbell isn't working? I don't know if scotch tape can withstand 60 mph winds. Do we have presents to wrap? Do you give presents to people in a snowstorm? No. Ridiculous. Scotch tape? Did he rip our home insurance policy? Does it even cover snow damage? Is he planning on taping the odd lot of our candles together to make a torch? Won't the tape melt from the wax? Is he planning on taping an "X" on every window like with duct tape for the hurricane but since it's a snowstorm you only need a lighter tape? I went back into the store, bought the tape (he asked for it,) and all the way home, all I could think of was wtf this man needed scotch tape for in a blizzard. Was a page of the How To Survive A Blizzard book ripped? Did his iPhone screen crack? Is he going to kidnap a Con Ed guy if the power goes out and make him restore it but scotch tape his eyes shut so he doesn't see us? Was one of the labels coming off of one of his bottles of scotch?
When I finally got home, I tore out of the car, ripped open the door and found him on the phone. I paced back and forth until he finally hung up and burst out the inevitable question, "WHY IN THE HELL DO YOU NEED SCOTCH TAPE FOR SNOWPOCOLYPSE???" "Oh," he looked at me like I was a lunatic, "we don't need it right now but I used the last piece and I figured since you were going to Walgreens you could grab some." Omg. Of course. Might as well stock up on the scotch tape just in general. I mean you never know if one of our neighbors does have a birthday tomorrow, or a bow falls off a Barbie Doll.
So while most of my neighbors are drinking wine, watching a movie or watching the snow fall, I am going to pour myself a glass of the finest red we have with a screw top, and scotch tape something. Maybe I will scotch tape a label on a folder. Maybe I will write a letter and scotch tape the envelope shut. Maybe I will just stick a piece of scotch tape to the wall. Why? Because the tape was on the Snopocolypse shopping list, and I can.
Awesome! So true & funny!
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