You know you have been married a long time when you buy a crotchless net bodysuit to spice up your sex life, and while you are digging under the bed to find the one pair of stilettos that you keep threatening to give to Goodwill, your husband asks, "What is that on the back? Is that a tag?" Forget the net, forget the non existent crotch, it is the tag that attracts his attention, and I have to admit, why is there a tag on a net bodysuit? On a side note, it wasn't even attached and came off in 2 seconds. Who knew?
So in the spirit of trying new things, we broke another cherry for the holiday break (when I was in school mine was a Christmas break, but that was in the seventies when we went out for "Oriental" food.) This year we decided to drive to Florida to see my family. I know a lot of people do this, but we never have. Partly because the interior of our car looks like a homeless family with 5 kids has lived inside for three years, and partly because I drive so much in general, the thought of a massive drive was extremely unappealing. But, at close to $4,000 in airfare, we were driving, drop the homeless family at a shelter.
We decided to leave on Christmas day. The kids wanted to open their presents from Santa before we hit the road. They left interesting letters next to the cookies and milk. Things like, "I know I have been really bad this year but I promise to be better next year," and "Hey, we are only human. Everyone makes mistakes, so can I get a stuffed Pikachu?" Santa, having a tequila buzz, was kind of upset by these notes and blamed his parenting for his kids' low self esteem, but he is ok with it now.
Anyway, for some reason, my husband had it in his head that we would be leaving for Florida at around 10am. This did not exactly mesh well with the tequila intake (which turned out to be more than a buzz,) so I had to take a nap before we left or there was a good chance of me puking in the car before we left Brooklyn. In retrospect, the puke smell would have not really been that different than the general car smell, which we have unsuccessfully been trying to locate for at least 6 months. Anyway, the kids were really excited and packed themselves, got their coats on and were waiting in the car by 3:00. My husband joined them around 3:45. I didn't get my shit together til about 4:gatorade, and off we went. About 6 blocks away, the 10 year old diva announced she had forgotten her glasses and we had to go back. I had to pee anyway, so that was fine with me. My husband started doing some deep breathing exercise and back we went. So, we officially hit the road, glasses on Diva, my bladder empty, at 4:16pm. I begged my husband to wait for 4 minutes so that we could leave at 4:20, but he wasn't having it. In his mind we were leaving 6 hours late. In my mind, 4:20 would have been a cool departure time.
The kids were actually really good in the car. They played on their electronics and I was even able to drive a few hours before I had to pee. That's when I came up with my mission. I was going to pee in every state! If you don't really know me, you should know that my bladder is the size of a pea (my 6 year old calls me the Queen of Pee...whatever,) so I knew I could do it, and everyone has to have short term goals. It makes the long term goal feel so much more obtainable. Plus when you are chugging water and Red Bull, you have to pee, so NJ was easy. We needed gas anyway. Now we were definitely on the road. The "We are going to have so much fucking fun they are going to have to pry the fucking smiles off our fucking faces" and Wallyworld references got us through Delaware (where I had to pee,) before we had to change topics. Listening to Panic! At the Disco five times got us into Virginia, where we drove for a while and decided to stop for the night, get a good night's sleep and reach our destination the next day. Surprisingly enough, after an entire day of eating nothing but candy, fruit snacks, and Slim Jims, the kids fell asleep rather fast. We all did. We had a big day ahead of us.
The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful. I missed peeing in NC which I was not happy about and bitched my way through SC (where I peed twice!) and Georgia, where we conveniently needed gas and a restroom. The Kindle and the DS eventually ran out of juice, but we got to St. Augustine at about 10pm. I have to say, seeing my family absolutely washed away any problems I had, including missing the NC pee spot, and having my Panic! At the Disco cd replaced.
I hadn't seen my two nephews and brother-in-law for two years, and hugging them was so awesome. My oldest nephew, who was the first baby I ever fell in love with and have his first initial tattooed on my thigh, is now a surly teenager who wears a hoodie and jeans constantly (even in the Florida summer heat. At one point he said to me, "You know I am actually hot right now but I will never wear anything else.") sleeps til 4pm and hasn't bathed in a month, was even happy to see me. I could tell because he let me kiss my hand and put it on his cheek without throwing up. And my 9 year old nephew (who once spontaneously told me, "I am glad I'm not a ferret, to which I concurred,) was so excited he gave me a big warm hug and immediately started picking on his 6 year old cousin. Needless to say, we had the best time ever. My brother-in-law does stand up comedy and had me dying, and my mom and I didn't get into a fight once, even when I drank all of her cooking wine and the rest of her Jack Daniels straight from the bottle.
The kids went swimming despite the freezing pool and didn't start fighting for at least 10 minutes when the 9 year old hit the 6 year old from behind with a pool noodle. After being reprimanded by my sister, the 9 year old explained, "What's the point of a pool noodle if you cant hit someone with it?" My sister and I tried not to crack up. Well, at least he's not a ferret. We also took them to a bounce place called Rebounders which awesomely sold alcohol. They also sold women's tank tops that had "Rebounders" across the chest. Really? well it is the South.
One of the coolest things we did was take my nephews to pick out their Christmas presents. We coaxed the 13 year old out of his room with the promise of Bose headphones. My sister said he was ecstatic, which she could tell because he wasn't scowling and slouching as much. He wore them every second since he got them, and it filled my heart. The 9 year old is into magic. Like really into magic. St. Augustine is a tourist mecca since it is America's oldest city and home to the Fountain of Youth (which I am allergic to because it is sulfer water, go figure...) so my 9 year old nephew sets up a table on the most popular tourist filled street and does magic tricks. He is actually excellent at slight of hand, especially considering how small his hands are, and when he passes the top hat at the end, he has been known to walk away with $50-$75 a day. He wanted an expensive magic trick which we got for him, and he learned it in about an hour and continued to amaze us for the rest of our trip.
But far and away, the best part of the trip for me was hanging out with my sister. OMG, she is my absolute favorite person in the whole world. Yeah, she is four years younger so I may have charged her 25 cents to enter the room we shared. Yeah, I may have traded her all of my Smarties for all of her chocolate bars on Halloween assuring her she got the better end of the deal. But as adults, we couldn't laugh more, understand each other more, or love each other more. We had the best time doing nothing much. We went to the outlet mall with four kids (nightmare,) we went shopping for nothing (I spent $100,) and we bought champagne from Aldi for $3.99 to ring in the new year. We laughed at our kids, our husbands, my mom (sorry Mom but that's what daughters do,) and just everything. I felt like I was finally at peace. Finally able to be who I really am. Finally able to relax. It was wonderful, and well worth the drive. Thank you Carina, for just being you. You understand me, and love me for just being me, and I absolutely feel the same way about you.
New Year's Eve was fun My nephew did a magic show. We watched the whole Times Square mayhem from the comfort of a family filled living room. We drank a few bottles of champagne and decided we like Andre better than Korbel. My brother-in-law actually left (as in drove away) with an hour to go declaring it a stupid tradition and us pathetic, but he did come back about 5 minutes til midnight. When the countdown reached one minute I figured I would pop open the Aldi champagne. Of course I couldn't get the cork out no matter how hard I tried. Seriously, it was like cemented into the bottle. Probably because the bottles are not flying off the shelves at the rate of Michael Jordan's latest shoe... So as the countdown reached 2 I grabbed whatever was open at the time, and rang in the new year the most ultimate way I could: with my sister, and my family, and love all around me. It was amazing. Of course what none of us knew at the time was that there was something else all around us. We found that out later.
The next day was bittersweet. The last day of the visit. Sad to think about leaving. I wish it would have stayed bittersweet, but alas, it turned into a layer of hell. Actually it would have been a layer of hell if my sister and her husband didn't make me laugh so much. Turns out that not only did we bring Christmas gifts to St. Augustine, we also brought lice. Yes, lice. I fucking hate bugs, and lice is my worst nightmare. My kids had it almost exactly a year ago, and whaddaya know, I guess they like coming in for the holidays. We did all the over the counter stuff since every Dr. was closed on New Year's day, washed everything, and figured we had no choice really but to see our pediatrician when we got home.
The next day, the goodbyes were sad, and weird for everyone except the 13 year old since nobody wanted to touch each other, and this time we were on our way only two hours later than the time my husband had in his head. I don't know where he comes up with these absolute times. Frankly I consider them more of an estimate, but in any case we were back on the road and bound for Brooklyn.
This time we stayed in a hotel in NC with a pool. Unfortunately chlorine does not kill lice, but it was worth a shot. We left an hour later than my husband's absolute/suggested time, and arrived home at around 10pm. I was psyched. This time I got to pee in every state! There were furious negotiations about NJ, but we needed gas. I did my happy dance.
So back in Brooklyn with two warning lights on in the car, our first stop the next day was the pediatrician who confirmed the continued existence of the lice (those little bastards are worse than cockroaches) and proceeded to prescribe something that no pharmacy in at least 3 out of 5 boros could get. So, after a day of phone calls to the doctor and various pharmacies, we are finally deloused (hopefully,) and the washer and dryer have been running nonstop.
So, all in all, even with the lice (UGH!) I would have to say this was my favorite break ever. There is nothing that can compare to a family who loves each other. My 6 year old may have picked up a few choice words like "cunt," and "douche," which he used on his 9 year old cousin who hit him with a pool noodle, but I know they will be close as adults because there is just so much love between my sister and I, you can almost see it, and you can definitely feel it throughout the family. It's sad that I see the lady who works at Walgreens more than I see my sister, so we really need to spend more time together. Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world, and I love my family with all of my heart. I think we have decided to make this trip a yearly thing. I just hope the lice come to a different conclusion.
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