Aging Gracefully

When I told my husband I was going to write a piece about aging gracefully, he laughed in my face and said, "Yeah! Good luck with that!" To which I replied, “Thanks. You just gave me my first sentence." Jerk (I said that in my head.). Obviously we are all aging, and apparently the man who got down on one knee and gave me a diamond does not think I am doing it gracefully. When I think of grace, I think of poise and gentleness. A butterfly on a lilac bush, the Moscow Ballet. Good old Webster (who I love so much) defines grace as": a controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving," which I'm not sure that many people have in the first place, at least not all the time. So I think the gracefulness with which you age is subjectiv to the gracefulness that you had in the first place, unless you make some drastic personality change in which case you should definitely write a book about it. We can always use more grace in the world.

Aging of course in inevitable. My dad used to say, "Well, it is better than the alternative." The way you age depends largely on your culture, and your biggest role models who aged before your very eyes, your parents, and for women that person is commonly your mom. You saw her at 35, now you are 35. How did she change? Or did she? I think aging, especially for women, breaks down into three main categories: attitude, behavior, and physical appearance. 

People's attitudes on aging vary quite a bit. Personally, the older I get, the more callous my attitude has become. It's not that I don't care about people, it's more that I don't care what they think about me. Especially being married with kids, I have more important things to worry about than what most people think of me, and who am I trying to impress? Basically me, and occasionally that guy who dragged me to the alter after I told him I wasn't sure I was the marrying type. I know there are different attitudes towards aging because several of my friends have accused me of having a bad one and insisted that theirs was better. That's fine with me. I have no problem telling them that their shoes look like they were made for an 80 year old woman, and i don't care how comfortable they are, I am pretty sure my grandmother wore the same kind to her exercise class in the nursing home where they spent 30 minutes a week trying to get up from a chair. But that's what some people do. They resign themselves to their perceptions of their age, and just like that, they start shopping at Chicos. 

Behavior is definitely a big part of aging, and generally your behavior springs from your attitude. I think that's where my husband has a hard time seeing how and if aging has changed me. It has been suggested by people ( like my therapist) that I can change my behavior slightly as I get older and still enjoy the things I always have. "For example," she offered, "You can still have fun at a concert without going into the mosh pit." What?? She is 10 vears vounger than I am and has no doubt never been in a mosh pit since they don't have them at Bruno Mars. I tried to take her advice, but somehow the mosh pit pulled me in, and maybe some people think a 55 year old mother of two looks stupid in the mosh pit, but that also goes back to attitude, mine of course being, I don't care. Not to mention the fact that a twenty something guy complimented my moshing technique just recently. I mean I do have more experience, and I like it, so why give it up because of my age? I know that some people start hanging in the back of a concert when they reach a certain age. Again, it's their preconceived notion of what is appropriate. THIERS, not MINE.

Some behaviors usually do change. Like you go to sleep earlier, you stop doing shots of tequila on week nights, and you will no longer let someone you don't know put a dropper full of clear liquid on your tongue at a party. A lot of changes are because you are not as carefree and stupid as you were. With age comes not only responsibility and physical limitations in some cases, but you become more aware of your own mortality. Your invincibility generally folds to the reality that every day you are closer to death than you were the day before. And then there are the people in the Chico's clothes. Again, relying on their perceived notion of their age. It's like, "I am 50, I am now styled in a certain way, and I can't go into the mosh pit anymore." That is their reality, handed down to them from parents or culture, and despite the fact that they want to jump off the stage at a Trivium concert, they won't because in the eyes of their influences which have become their own eyes, they would look stupid. Once again, an attitude fueled by perception. One that I reject, not just to be rebellious, but because I refuse to deny myself a behavior that makes me happy. Especially when you have kids. You find yourself engaging in many things that make you unhappy, like going to 3 birthday parties in a month at Chuck E. Cheese. If there is a hell, and if I end up there, I guarantee there will be a fake bear playing the banjo, and a giant mouse scaring the crap out of most kids, and hugging others in its musty furry suit that hasn't been washed in at least two years. Guess what, the next good concert, I am moshing like a 15 year old boy.  Like it or not.

Physical appearance is a tricky one. Girls are pretty much spoon fed from the time they come out of the womb that they should look pretty, wear trendy clothes, and the latest hairstyle. Chico's clothes or not, there are weekly appointments at the nail salon, a hairstylist who is practically part of the family, and a stockpile of vitamins containing collagen, biotin, and whatever the latest researched pill is that has allegedly been proven to make you look younger. A lot of times there is also a gym membership, because whether you go once a month or twice a day, you feel like you are doing everything you can to keep your body in shape. Personally, I started going to the gym to build the endurance to keep up with my kids, who I didn't have until I was 36 and 40. I was defined as having a "geriatric pregnancy" both times. Well excuse me for waiting until I was emotionally ready to change my life forever! But I can't deny that the physical effects of toning my body are satisfying, and I now have a trainer at least twice a week to keep me going.

The truth is, people today have way more options than their parents did to lookyounger, and the advertising campaigns for these strategies are everywhere. Gone are the days when everyone gossiped about Joan Rivers' facelift (rest her soul. What a pioreer she was in addressing the truth.). Now, half the groupons you get are for Botox, or Restylane, or some kind of facial treatment that will shed your old skin so a bright new tight and glowing skin will emerge. I know some people who have just let their gray hair come in and totally accept that it is now who they are, but I know way more people who have a standing appointment with "their stylist," or are just standing in the hair dye isle for half an hour deciding on which hue to take home. Personally, I was against fighting my escalating age by injecting myself with a bacterial illness, but what can I say? There was a groupon for half off, I should at least try it, right? And the effects are pretty staggering. Forehead creases, gone!

Crows feet, fly away, for a few months anyway. And you look in the mirror and you do feel pretty great. Ten years has instantly slipped away, and you look younger/prettier, just like you are supposed to. And just like the crack that my better half compares to Botox, you never want to see those face lines again, so it's back to the dermatologist in three months, groupon or not.

So when all is said and done, despite the fact that there is a dictionary definition for “grace," I think the concept is totally subjective. No matter what your age, it is your self acceptance that determines your grace. Change the things you want to change, keep the things you want to keep. As long as you are happy with your attitude, your behavior, and your personal appearance, you are aging gracefully.