Omg. In the last few months there have been so many things I wanted to write about. When you are a curious and observant person like I am, there always seems to be another question…another flaunting hypocrisy that is accepted into the mainstream despite its complete illegality. And there is so much of the odd and absurd just parading in front of me. After my work blog I was told I am not allowed to write about my job. It isn’t funny. It isn’t a joke. I compare it to Ozzy Osbourne’s impression of the movie Spinal Tap. He just didn’t get it AT ALL. He could not for the life of him figure out what could possibly be funny about that genius rock band parody movie because it was just like his actual life. Another day, another 3 foot Stonehenge stage prop with managers negotiating about whether the marquee is “Ozzy and Puppet Show”. Or “Puppet Show and Ozzy.” Personally I don’t need an audience to validate my humor, or censor my writing. To me, going through life without a sense of humor is like missing one of your most vital senses. Like not being able to taste chocolate. And that would suck.
In any case there is something that has been bothering me for a while. Probably most of my life but it resurfaces anxiously sometimes, and this is one of those times.
Basically from the time you are a toddler shuffling your tiny feet in Daddy’s shoes, people start saying things to you like,”Oh! So you want to be like Daddy when you grow up! You can work in an office designing bridges/making presentations/developing software/selling timeshares/answering questions about taxes/ blah blah blah blah blah…”. And when people find out you are in a dance class it’s always like, “You can be a ballerina when you grow up!” Or this or that or whatever. It’s always there from the time you can talk. People asking you what you plan to do with a life of which you can’t possibly conceive, having very little life experiences, zero clue what the future actually is, and still wondering why you have to drink out of a cup and pee in a receptacle.
And the pressure only increases. The older you get, the more you are asked about your future plans in a world you have barely experienced with a brain that is not even close to being fully matured. There is only one person I know who knew how he was going to spend his life from as long as I can remember: my cousin David. You know Schroeder from the Peanuts? That’s him. In fact I suspect he may be twins, with a small piano birthing just 15 seconds before my cousin. I’m sure there are some people who just are who they will always be from the beginning of their lives, but I don’t believe for a second it is a significant percentage.
My doctor recently told me he had no choice. He had to follow in the footsteps of his dad. In fact it used to be much more common for generations to work for the family business. Lots of people still do, but my Greek friend’s dad is going to sell his diner when he retires. None of his kids want that career. They all spent after school and summers working there and just decided it doesn’t fulfill them in the long run.
And the older you get, the more the question persists, “What are you going to study? What do you want to do? What is your career path?” Who the fuck knows at 3, at 17, at 25…ever! First of all, there are so many thousands of jobs you don’t even know about. Some haven’t even been created yet. One of my friends works for a company that designs colors for other companies to use on plastic products. Like who even knew that is a job? She flies around the world making upwards of six figures working with clients like patio chair manufacturers deciding which shade of red to paint their new line of outdoor furniture. Then she has the exact color made and sold in humongous quantities. She’s great at it and doing amazing, but I can assure you at 3, 13, and 30 she has no diary entries written about her present career. “Dear diary, I saw a plastic fence today and just couldn’t stop thinking that if only there was a little gray added to the base color the fence would just be perfect. It’s 3am and I can’t sleep just thinking about it. There has to be some way I could get involved in creating colors for plastic. Then I know my life would be complete.” Not a chance.
Not only that, but at an amazing neurology seminar I took when my child was diagnosed with ADHD, I learned some mind blowing stuff. The seminar was a big deal in Manhattan with cutting edge researchers and neurologists specializing in different parts of brain science taking turns giving lectures and power points. It was fantastic and attending that seminar will always be one of the best decisions I have ever made. I learned so much, but the info that stuck with me the most is synaptic pruning. I’m no scientist, but the pop up book version goes something like this: babies are born with a shit ton of brain cells, most of which won’t stick around too long on the timeline of life. So then, something like a survival of the fittest Squid Game situation occurs. See, electrical and chemical activity between brain cells is called synapses. Babies have a lot of synapses because they are figuring everything out and their cells are constantly interacting. As time goes on, less particular synapses are needed until eventually only the useful ones survive making way for more timely necessary synapses. This process of ridding the brain of the obsolete is called synaptic pruning. Like weeding a garden kind of except the garden is full of brain cells that have turned into weeds.
Much of synaptic pruning takes place in young children, and it used to be the acceptable hypothesis that your brain’s garden was weeded by about age 12. Well, much much much more research brings scientists to the current understanding of synaptic pruning which it turns out goes on until the brain matures around the age of 23, give or take. Not 11… 23. One of the neurologists at the seminar actually said the worst time to make decisions is during high levels of synaptic pruning which often occurs roughly between 17-23. SEVENTEEN TO TWENTY THREE!!!!! When you pick a college and a major and are finally forced to confront your lifelong interrogations (about which you still have scarce to no actual experience) WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE? Are you kidding me? Unless you are my cousin David, or someone who is pretty clear they want to go down a certain path, there is a better than average chance that you still don’t have enough information to decide where your life is going, AND this is not the best time to decide. I'm sure all you science geniuses are going to take umbrage to my synaptic pruning explaination, but the top neurologists at the seminar really dumbed it down for those of us not in the know, and I think I got the gist of it.
I bring this up now because 1. It’s always bothered me that I felt forced into mapping my life goals while I only had one job so far selling greasy chicken and mixing cole slaw in 10 gallon drums, and 2.. My daughter is graduating high school this year and the pressure she is feeling about making decisions regarding a life she has just begun to live is frustrating and heartbreaking for me to watch.
Personally, I graduated high school a year early basically because my mother couldn’t deal with me at that point, and well, A few corespondents classes and a weekly cabinet making class got me out with honors. I was young and clueless and my moms friend had heard of a good university a few weeks before the semester began so I applied and just went. By the time I realized what floated my boat I was faced with the harsh reality that my prestigious school didn’t offer that major so I picked the next closest appealing subject and left university life 4 years later with a Bachelor of Arts and no clue what to do next.
So what do I tell my daughter? Well, the truth. Go to a college that offers a lot of different genres. Take some classes that you never considered, and don’t be afraid to drop classes and change majors if you have to. Now is your chance to poke around the different facets of knowledge and industry. There is absolutely no shame in exploring. And if you get a professor that you really like, take every class he or she teaches. Some people suit your learning style better than others. College is a time to find your footing not only in the workforce, but in life. Take your time. Pay attention. Take a good assessment of your strengths and see which industries value the strengths you already have. You will become even more adept and you will enjoy getting better at what you like to do anyway. And remember, there are specialties in every subject so explore them. And I can’t stress it enough: you are not a failure if you walk away. Taking chances can lead to your ideal path, or it could be a complete disappointment. Part of growing up is to learn how to react and grow from your bad experiences. It’s learning. And it’s all good. Sylvia Plath saved all her rejection letters because they reminded her that she tried. Try. And try again. And try something different. It will make you a more self assured person when you learn how to navigate your failures and handle rejection. You are not a job. You are a person. Never forget that. Any worker can be replaced including you, but no one else can bring your skills and unique personality to the table.
So what did I do with my not-first-choice bachelor degree? A little bit of this, a little bit of that, eventually enrolling in a masters program, and then one day I had a heart to heart with myself. I asked myself, “What do you really love?” What am I so afraid of failing that I am too scared to even try because I know the disappointment will be heartbreakingly unbearable? I came up with the answer, paused my masters degree and gave it a go. I figured at least I wouldn’t regret not trying for my inner secret dream. And guess what? I got 10 good years out of it, amazing experiences, and met people who literally changed my life. And at the end, the industry I so desperately wanted had changed so much that I was ok walking away. I could even get back to that masters degree, but I have changed, too.
I read an article that says students today should prepare themselves for at least 2 careers in their lifetime. I think as long as you keep trying and learning and being your honest self, you will encounter the people and the jobs who value you. It will most likely take a lot of effort, but that’s yet another way we learn. Keep checking in with yourself to understand if your values and interests are still the same. It’s ok if they are not. Your past endeavors don’t decide who you are. And neither does anyone else. And always know that you have people who have your back. If you need help, ask for it. If you need to sort things out, you never have to do it alone. It is your journey and use your strengths and your resources. And call your mom. She worries. There is not a soul in this world who will love you like your bonded family. So get out there and learn! Learn who you are and go with it. Make choices, take chances, come home and regenerate. Don’t be scared of trying, you are already amazing.
I love this. I am so glad that you ended up at the university without the major you wanted. Sending to both my boys now.
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